Some winter mental cleaning:

I've started to put things into perspective and, while I did find a lot of things that I wasn't satisfied with, I can say that some things have made me feel pretty damn skippy. I've been here for over three months and have less than two until I get to see some very important people who I hope are blissfully unaware of how hard life is without them.

It seems to me that lately I've been 1) a little sad and 2) not quite myself. It's effected a lot of people, especially here. When we went to the informational meeting before departure they said there was an adjustment period in which homesickness and sadness would play a couple months role. I brushed it off because I didn't think that I would be taken hold of by such silly forces. Sometimes I forget that I can feel things like that. But now I'm here and am quite homesick. But beyond that, I'm fine.

I've taken a liking to things that I never did before, and am seeing many things that I never really thought I would. Unfortunately, up to this point I may not have appreciated them like they should be. While some things cannot be denied, like the overwhelming beauty of the Parthenon, I have obliviously neglected other small things. It's a personal belief that there is beauty in the struggle, and this is what has eluded me lately. I've been nursing my heart with tea and self-pity, but there is really no need. I may not be winning a prize here, but I'm doing well. No, I'm not fluent, but I sure as hell am trying to get better. And that is all anyone (and most importantly, I) can ask of me.

And just like that, this tea has changed from the taste of guilt to raspberry. This is me metaphorically getting off my ass and getting back into my own flesh. Getting back to: making silly banter that make people smile, working hard, being happy, making friends, being confident in myself, learning, being healthy, having fun, singing, dancing around, writing, and appreciating.

Hey me, it's nice to see ya again.

i actually have free time.

yippee.

more details on this and other news later.

The Reader and The Writer


As I slow danced with myself
under a wanton sky,
for once, cool air rose,
and the particles and sound
combined in a wave,
as the air vibrated violet;
our hands swaying in space.

Then I tumbled, and oneself
emerged from you and I,
balanced on the bridge of my nose,
waiting breathless and bound,
to a cost unlikely to waive.
You traced the jaw path to a ringlet;
you put me to my final place.

And we all bowed like heathens
before something we'll never understand.
And you bellowed out amens
to times our eras withstand.

You'll feel what you feel
though I write what I write.
Who's to say yours's not real,
or that I am not right?

The simplisitic vision obscures,
becomes passionate articulation
that you can claim yours
though it wasn't my indication.

But what i see becomes what I write,
and what I write becomes what YOU see.
And who's to say your feelings aren't right,
and that my thoughts can't be free?

Though they may stem from the writer,
i write it; YOU see,
we both are as miter,
hinge swings duel; you and me

As I slow danced with myself,
then I tumbled, and oneself
under a wanton sky
emerged from you and I.
For once, cool air rose
balanced on the bridge of my nose,
and the particles and sound
waiting breathless and bound
combined in a wave
to a cost unlikely to waive.
As the air vibrated violet,
you traced the jaw path to a ringlet,
our hands swaying in space;
you put me to my final place.

Thus we join to make the couplet,
to make one final product outlet.
Though we are two, with thoughts that vary,
our times, heads, and hearts bind and marry.

"in some place you haven't been
on a day you don't remember
a man you've never met
with hands you'll never hold
painted stories seldom told
of lives we'll never know
and can't give back"

- "reparation"
w.c. pelon


"you pretend you're sorry
and i pretend words can mend
but you're not and they don't
and i never cared much for make believe
so we look away and talk about the weather
and pretend we're still strong"

- "unconditional"
w.c. pelon

"i wasn't trying to make you proud i only wanted to paint pictures with poetry"
- "clarity"
w.c. pelon


I also really like this opening line from "predetermined", and plan on quoting it in a work soon...
"i tried to believe in fairy tale endings the way you believed in me"


anyway, suppose that's all i should write about w.c. pelon. he's inspired me and i'm extremely grateful. i'd say the fact that i found his work around christmas time is luck and great timing. especially since it's a personal belief that the greatest gifts i can get around this time are selflessness and thankfulness. Thankfulness...check. Selflessness...ongoing process of a lifetime which i strive for.

"in some place you haven't been
on a day you don't remember
a man you've never met
with hands you'll never hold
painted stories seldom told
of lives we'll never know
and can't give back"

- "reparation"
w.c. pelon


"you pretend you're sorry
and i pretend words can mend
but you're not and they don't
and i never cared much for make believe
so we look away and talk about the weather
and pretend we're still strong"

- "unconditional"
w.c. pelon

"i wasn't trying to make you proud i only wanted to paint pictures with poetry"
- "clarity"
w.c. pelon


I also really like this opening line from "predetermined", and plan on quoting it in a work soon...
"i tried to believe in fairy tale endings the way you believed in me"


anyway, suppose that's all i should write about w.c. pelon. he's inspired me and i'm extremely grateful. i'd say the fact that i found his work around christmas time is luck and great timing. especially since it's a personal belief that the greatest gifts i can get around this time are selflessness and thankfulness. Thankfulness...check. Selflessness...ongoing process of a lifetime which i strive for.

okay, so the black thing may be hard to bring about, but i'm feeling more in tune with myself and what i deserve lately. I can now laugh and shake my head when i think about how alex is seeing laurel. i'm getting shit done, relatively keeping up on homework, having a blast at work (which means extra money that i will be shoving into a savings account for the distant thought of grad school), making new friends, keeping up with my old ones, realizing that guys actually do like me, being comfortable in my own skin, and realizing that my decisions have been fairly good about some things. The only things I need to watch are that I need to stay on track with filling out EAP stuff. As of late I have done no work for that. this week I'm going to kick it into high gear and at least turn in the intent form thingie. also, schedule a meeting with the person in charge of costa rica's program. i deserve to go next year and dont see why i shouldnt.

although. that does mean that this is my last sb halloween. (hopefully i wont need college overtime) so that means this year i'm goin all out. not in a too drunk to function way, but in a kickass costume kind of way. also, the amount of visitors is going to be REDONK. i counted about 10 for me already. sheesh. come one come all to 6721 sabado, where the tenants are abundant and the floorplan is minimal.

one note though: the other day i was sitting around with two beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, single women and couldnt help but think to myself (carrie bradshaw style) that men are really dumb. There are great catches out there, but they prefer the beezy, straight-haired Natasha girls.
stupidity. sidenote: the srb is awesome. so rad building. and yes those notes were related. with that said, shit will work itself out and things will be shmokay.

strong black woman--out.

me: Hey, sorry I had to leave so early last night. I have this friend who practically lives at my place who likes to get drunk and start fights. Tell Dylan I said sorry for leaving.

him: No worries. Last night was kind of a bust and I was twisted. But it was great seeing you

me: Oh off the game? ya that sucks

him: Ya. Todays practice was shitty too

me: Damn that sucks. Btw just a question, were we ever gunna discuss this looming awkwardness? Sorry, I just don't like awkwardness, I'm pretty open.

him: Hahaha ya I'm sorry. We both just were spread kinda thin with a lot to do. And then I recently met laurel. I'm sorry

me: Ya, it's no big honestly, I just was a little confused if you still wanted to be friends or if that was your way of saying you don't wanna be.

him: No I defenitely want to b friends. I was just too cross faded to really talk articulately last night

me: Hahaha ya. Inibriation will do that. Just didn't wanna step on any toes ya know? And samesies, I do hope to see you around.

him: No toe stepping what soever. We're totally cool except I'm sorry if I was an asshole. Ill c u soon

me: Well I won't lie, I would have preferred to hear it from you first rather than tawny, but at the same time I wouldn't say you were a asshole. If you wanna hang just text me or something.

him: Your right and I'm sorry. But ya thatd b great

me: It's alright. Hope my blunt nature was okay. Being high kinda messes with my tact. I was gunna wait until I saw you but figured it might be a while. We're busy.

him: No you've been amazing and deserved better again I appologize.

me: Thanks :) and don't worry. No hard feelings, honest.

he rsvp-ed maybe.
am i annoyed? yes.

i hate the maybe.
marklar. throw me a freakin' bone here. show me i'm not dumb for still liking you. it's not too much to ask for here...it's my freakin' birthday.

so much promise turned into so much confusion.



nvm. i just checked the soccer schedule. he has a game at 7 at UC irvine. no wonder it's a maybe. MARKLAR. this still leaves me unsure as to whether he likes me and is too busy or if he's over it--and by it i suppose i mean me. that's hard to admit though. i don't want him to be over me. he's different, i know it...so why does it feel like he's leaving like every other one? the absence is palpable. and yet, i still really like him.

Vishnu help me. Buddha beer me strength. God grant me patience. Yahweh make it apparent when enough is enough (i'd hate to be like a certain housemate of mine who insists on holding onto something that is destined to destruct).

it's nice to think that this would be artistic and soulful as a ballad instead of just slightly sad as a lj post. just another instance of how a musical life would be kickass. like a musical party...it would be intense and fucking amazing. and work would be upbeat and catchy. class would be more toe-tapping. this still remains my number one wish. alas, it will never be. but whatever, life is kickass without it.

job= strangely fun. i think i shouldn't be so happy at work. i dance and sing regardless of the fact that my life isn't a musical and have made some great new friends.
volunteer= becoming slowly more fulfilling, and will officially count for class credit soon. and the founder jerry is a nice man.
friends= AMAZING. especially since i know who my real ones are now.
class= good so far. spanish makes me feel rusty but hopeful. psych will be interesting as always. education class seems easy and fun. and i think i'll be able to graduate on time easily without stressing over what i take in costa rica. i just need to get into the abroad program and this psych class i'm trying to crash. then all will be good in the hood.
boys= see above. plus an old one realized he was a douche, a different old one still has interest in me, and an ex neighbor still finds me appealing [kyle, my make out buddy of about 3 sessions].

this post turned into a gigantor. i didnt anticipate that at all. when i first submitted it it was only the first 6 lines. hahahaha. suppose i had more to say that i thought.

i wish my name was Le'Quan.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Breathe in, breathe out, let it go.

It's hard to think everything is okay when someone takes your biggest mistake and throws it back in your face. I don't regret things, I never do. Everything has a purpose...I think this one will have more of a purpose for her. At least it should.



I might not have the looks you do,
But what did looks do for you?
The men, the lies, the shame, the lust.
Your heart's been torched to dust.

You've kindled the dormant side of me,
Ignited the match never seen.
It's time for fuel to pay a fee
So take my match to kerosene.

You live so recklessly in heat,
Spark a mesmerizing scene.
Too engulfed to admit defeat;
Alluring men like moths so keen.

Astounded your life goes up in flames,
But you are the fuel yourself
In deceit, selfish acts, and hiding games.
But put your habits on your shelf,

I know all your tricks,
The weapons in your arsenal.
And now I see that I can't fix
Heart in chest or empty skull.

Watch us burn and melt away,
See who you become.
There may be a day
When you won't be so numb.

Where games are child's play
And maturity has peaked.
When smoldering heats decay,
And true friendship is piqued.

But by then I'll be gone,
It won't be hard to ween.
No longer will I play the pawn,
Here take my match, your kerosene.

And as my last gift to you,
An erasure of all I've seen.
Destroy the friendship that I knew,
Light your match to kerosene.

And just like that it's over. 6 years down the drain.

Her status says that she is lovinnn it. Glad to know one of us is. Funny it isn't me. This is what I wanted, but I can't help but feel guilty and underappreciated still. But that's only confirmation that I did the right thing...

went to the 104.3 "my fm" screening of Wall-e tonight. it's freakin adorable. went with my friend andy. great times. hancock premiere tomorrow. andy's job at "my fm" rocks.

:)

Wakeboarding at sunset
family bonding
way too much unhealthy eating
familiar sound of waves crashing
not having to spend a dime of what's in my account
no responsibility
seeing my sister very happy
being noticed as "thin, not skinny" by my gma and great aunt ["because no one in our family is skinny" unless they marry in]
and although i hate to admit it, not having service on my phone was kind of a nice break. But I missed it a lot too and loved getting messages when I got back to civilization.

all in all:
houseboat vacation was amazing
<3


I miss my sb family. I think it's safe to call them family now that we'll all be in the same house soon. I also miss other sb friends. But I'll be up for the July 4th weekend to see some of them. Hell, I might even call Hippie Boy. [Long story short, he's the cutest hippie boy in the world, and we met and made out the night before I left SB. He gave me his number, and so far I haven't called. But when I'm in SB I might just follow his wishes and give him a ring. He called me beautiful, and that's something I haven't heard from a potential prospect in a while. (I know, a parentheses statement inside a parentheses statement, who do I think I am?!?! But what I wanted to say is this: this guy could have a whole post devoted to him, and he might if I get bored enough later.)And apparently he deemed me one of his new favorite people the day after he met me according to marielle's bf-thingie, who he happens to be really good friends with.] Can't wait for the 4th.

Started summer school. It's alright so far. I've only been to one class, haven't bought the book, and had to skip a day because of my vacation. It's really unlike me. It's glorious.

Well, I'm off to swim with my cousin. He's pickin me up. :)
<3

I'll update later.

so much to do today.

prepare for midterms next week.
-sikhism [which might take all day] on monday
-french existential literature on monday
-psych 102 on tuesday
set up for my party.
get myself ready for my party.


let the madness begin.

p.s. happy no pants day

I'm still waiting to wake up and find it all a dream. This was ridiculous.

someone found and is going to return her phone!!!!
yayyyyyyyyy

A couple of grievances:
-It's getting harder and harder for me to concentrate.
-Nicole got her phone stolen :(
-In my next class I must decipher what an adorable-but-too-fast-speaking little Indian man says
-This adorable-but-too-fast-speaking little Indian man expects me to copy everything given down
-The weather is still slightly sub par
-I neglected to do my homework this weekend because I was busy with friends/distracting thoughts


Nothing majorly wrong. I mostly feel bad for Nicole. She's having a particularly rough time, and is one of the last people who deserves said rough times.

This Boy thing is interesting. I like him...quite a bit. Like I said, it's getting harder to concentrate. I'm hoping this one brings something good for at least a little while. So far it seems like he will.

Sooooooooo...newish guy is super cute. He needs a nickname. Guess we'll call him Boy. Anyway...I like him a bit. And of course, because I haven't really liked someone in a while, I'm nervous. I find myself flustered. The last boy I was just fooling myself with. But this one, I actually like. And I hope he feels the same way. Everyone says they think he does. THIS is why I don't like being smitten. This feeling of unease, of waiting, of insecurity. It's not that I'm a control freak, because I'm not, but I like to have a hold over my heart. I get scared when I like someone because they could potentially have my heart. I've been screwed over, so naturally, I'm a little freaked out.

I have no reason to stress...so I'll try not to.

:)

Angie, Kelee [and friend], and Kathleen are coming up tonight. The neighbors are having a party, and I hope he comes. It would be so fun to have my best friends and the guy I like all in one place.

So thankful for life being lovely.
<3

here i go...

the last day of finals.

new prospect. excited.
screw the last boy. this one is way better.